love and block

I’ve wanted to write for so long but I was really unsure how. It was almost as if though I’d forgotten how to take the ideas out of my head and communicate them to the world. It’s a horrific feeling because one of the most important things to me is just that- being able to translate feelings and vibes into words. I remember very distinctly countless times coming onto here, opening up a new draft, scribbling a few words down and becoming quickly discouraged… Then one day, someone came along that helped me with that. She helped me in a very unique way. I think much of the world suffers from a certain degree of identity related issues/struggle. In this age of artificially constructed social identities we may find ourselves looking into the mirror with a bit of uncertainty. And while I pride myself on being confident enough to know what is important to me and allow that to define me, I would be lieing if I said that I too didn’t fall into the trap of curating my life to my social circles. The only outlet that I have in my life which is anonymous is this site which is why I was always able to write more candidly with very little regard about what of myself I may uncover to how many ever might stumble upon my page. But I digress, so in the not so distant past I found myself unsure of things I always thought I was certain of.

So I did what many of us might do in these times, I isolated myself from my social circles and took the time to figure out who I wanted to be and my purpose – and trying to figure out this existential conundrum is taxing on its’ own and in my experience can’t be solved in isolation. So fast forward several months later, someone came into my life who at first was an enigma. Someone who I knew extremely little about. But at the same time, someone who I was inexplicably drawn to. Allow me to be clear, I tried to resist this force, I tried to defuse it, I tried to kill it. I became so transfixed on the idea that with all these question marks looming over my head, I could not possibly benefit from a relationship that would only likely add more question marks. I would often think to myself that my then engaged twin brother that was insane for considering this huge commitment at such a young age. I think subconsciously I was trying to reinforce this idea in my head so that I would not follow in his footsteps.

After a moment of thinking to myself, I decided to give into this curiosity and this pull. At this point I was still unsure about many things and constantly grabbed whatever I could from other people to try to piece them into my life and see where they fit. After a period of time of exchanges between the both of us, I realised that I needed to scrap all these pieces that wouldn’t fit anywhere. Thomas Cooley wrote that: “I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am”. And in speaking with this person I was never more fond of how I thought someone perceived me, and I wanted so badly to be that person. It was like both being seen for the first time and seeing myself for the first time.

“I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am ”

I reached a decision and that was that I didn’t want this relationship to fizzle and I always wanted to be the person that I thought she thought I was because I knew that it would always be a person that I want to be. I wanted to do the only thing I could to make this permanent. I got engaged. In all my years and through all the friendships I’ve developed, I’ve never felt that strongly before. And this is something that still shocks me to say as much as it probably does for most people to hear it. But I love her and I’m sure of that. She was the one that helped me pick up the pen again and carve pieces of myself for her.

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I would listen

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I would listen at the end of the day
For the soft sounds of my surroundings moving through the fading light
The steps of the children hugging the cobble stones begging for my time before bed
The wheels of merchants coming to a halt, kissing those same stones
The minarets calling to the stars with the bellow of their speakers
The steps, the wheels, the minarets, they call to my heart
I would listen

fears

I’m afraid of bee stings and bullets

but I’m more afraid of paper cuts than I am of either
I’m afraid of wounds and words
but perhaps I’m more afraid of the absence of either
You see, I have a tendency to flip through the pages of books if only to mistakenly but secretly intentionally catch a glimpse of the future
So I am prone to these cuts… and I should know by now
Yet, I still fan through them holding my palms out and reading the lines of all the cuts
“haven’t you learned by now” they say
and the truth is, I haven’t, I never do
So I try to pierce into my insides
I try to find the secrets of my organs,
what do my lungs really say when they jump up and down?
what do the trails of my intestines gasp as they pull and push?
what does my heart say when it screams in between each pause?
maybe it is nothing, maybe there is no magic in me
but I doubt this because the love that travels between each of my veins is enough to fill oceans
Sometimes it’s too much I can barely keep my head above it all
My bedroom is both a war zone and a safe haven
All my lost dreams and ambitions sit on bookshelves and hang on the wall
I am reminded each and every day of another reality I could have lived
It plays out in front of me
But instead, I am living this one
My clothing scattered across the floor and the echo of voices demanding that they be put away echoing

Ghost

Once upon a time the curiosity
Seekers thrived in broad daylight

While the torrent poured into the streets
and for just a moment
We were all free of the task of making meaning
Free from the slogan of plastered grave of a corporate tunnel vision
For a moment we were just surfing the pavement
Letting the waves take us clear across the street

Dear Unborn Child

A letter that I wrote to my unborn child a couple years ago that I want to share here.

Dear unborn child,

Life moves fast. You need toremember that, life always moves fast. If you trip and fall, and hurt yourself it will not give you enough time to get back up on your feet. There will be others who are faster and stronger; some will continue moving forward glancing at you without the faintest sentiments of sympathy, yet some will stop to pick you up and help you. There will also always be others who are slower and weaker; they will be bruised and hurt, never ever leave them behind, even if they slow you down. The strong will call you naïve and foolish, and the weak will sometimes take advantage of you, but don’t ever let that scar and change you. It is through helping others that you will find strength you never knew you had. If you ever feel that you are the last one left behind, abandoned alone, with no one to help you and no one tohelp, remember God, and God will always remember you, and that will forever be enough.

The best of your friends will be the ones who help you forget your irrelevant place, the insignificance of your problems, and make time stop. Yes, life always moves fast, it doesn’t stop, but you’ll notice that the best of your friends will always find a way, even if it’s just for a minute to make time stop. In that time, you can catch your breath, and truly enjoy the beauty of where you are because there is always so much beauty around you. And when you have transcended time and space, never forget to thank God for where you are and the people in your life.

Take your time and don’t be afraid to move slowly because this world is dark and your innocence will last. As long as I am alive, I will always help you. Your mother will always be the most important person in your life, for paradise lies under her feet – never upset her. Always apologize for the slightest sigh towards her. Hug her everyday and mean it because one day she will be gone and those hugs will have tolast you. When you look at her, smile, and when she smiles back and time stops, take it to truly understand that for every day of your life she has prayed for your health, safety, and success. Take her wisdom to heart because there is nothing like it. Always thank God for your mother because there will never be anyone in the world like her.

Give everything you have to this world and take nothing because it’s not worth it. Find what you love todo and do that; and if you never find your passion don’t worry, because you don’t always have toknow what you want to do, you just have to know what you don’t wantto do, so try everything. It is through trying everything that you will find your calling. And when you do find your calling, do it in a way that will help others. Always remember that work is nothing and your family is everything.

Always immediately apologize when you hurt others, make things right, it will never be too soon, but one day it will be too late. When someone wrongs you, forgive, because the insignificance of this life does not justify an ounce of anger and hatred in your heart. Be generous and forgiving, and it will shine through you; it’s contagious and you will change the world.