I look back at the past five years of my life and find it remarkable how much I’ve changed, how different I am now.. And what I struggle most with is figuring out if it was a change for the better or worse. There’s an innocence to our youth that we never have after a certain moment; and its a different moment for everyone. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it could be anything really that takes away from our sincerity and our genuine nature. We are the most honest versions of our self when we are young. We aren’t shaped by the supposed cruel “certainties” of life, we aren’t yet jaded by how small our hands are and how big the world’s problems we want to fix are, and we don’t easily box things and people. As we get older, life happens and our experiences shape us more and more and more until we’re almost an entirely different person. Now of course this is expected to happen, but sometimes we let situations change us in a negative way and I often wonder how and why I let this happen to me.
Five years ago I was more certain about many things, a common theme in my life now is confusion. I believe that this confusion stems first and foremost from my faith or there lack of. I was stronger back then. I didn’t let peoples perception of me impact the way I wanted to live my life. I now find myself trying to seek approval from others, disguising who I truely am. And it’s exhausting, mentally and emotionally. I crossed lines I wouldn’t have normally crossed for the sake of approvals. Now I only have experiences to look back, to remind me how weak I am.
In many ways, the last five years have changed me for the better. In large part to a certain group of people that fell into my life. They showed me how to really believe in myself and gave me the encouragement to do everything I wanted to do. For that I am in debt.
The reason I wanted to write this is solely for me. Let this be a dent in the book, a fold in the corner of the page… I’ll reclaim the certainty I once had and I will take the mask off