love and block

I’ve wanted to write for so long but I was really unsure how. It was almost as if though I’d forgotten how to take the ideas out of my head and communicate them to the world. It’s a horrific feeling because one of the most important things to me is just that- being able to translate feelings and vibes into words. I remember very distinctly countless times coming onto here, opening up a new draft, scribbling a few words down and becoming quickly discouraged… Then one day, someone came along that helped me with that. She helped me in a very unique way. I think much of the world suffers from a certain degree of identity related issues/struggle. In this age of artificially constructed social identities we may find ourselves looking into the mirror with a bit of uncertainty. And while I pride myself on being confident enough to know what is important to me and allow that to define me, I would be lieing if I said that I too didn’t fall into the trap of curating my life to my social circles. The only outlet that I have in my life which is anonymous is this site which is why I was always able to write more candidly with very little regard about what of myself I may uncover to how many ever might stumble upon my page. But I digress, so in the not so distant past I found myself unsure of things I always thought I was certain of.

So I did what many of us might do in these times, I isolated myself from my social circles and took the time to figure out who I wanted to be and my purpose – and trying to figure out this existential conundrum is taxing on its’ own and in my experience can’t be solved in isolation. So fast forward several months later, someone came into my life who at first was an enigma. Someone who I knew extremely little about. But at the same time, someone who I was inexplicably drawn to. Allow me to be clear, I tried to resist this force, I tried to defuse it, I tried to kill it. I became so transfixed on the idea that with all these question marks looming over my head, I could not possibly benefit from a relationship that would only likely add more question marks. I would often think to myself that my then engaged twin brother that was insane for considering this huge commitment at such a young age. I think subconsciously I was trying to reinforce this idea in my head so that I would not follow in his footsteps.

After a moment of thinking to myself, I decided to give into this curiosity and this pull. At this point I was still unsure about many things and constantly grabbed whatever I could from other people to try to piece them into my life and see where they fit. After a period of time of exchanges between the both of us, I realised that I needed to scrap all these pieces that wouldn’t fit anywhere. Thomas Cooley wrote that: “I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am”. And in speaking with this person I was never more fond of how I thought someone perceived me, and I wanted so badly to be that person. It was like both being seen for the first time and seeing myself for the first time.

“I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am ”

I reached a decision and that was that I didn’t want this relationship to fizzle and I always wanted to be the person that I thought she thought I was because I knew that it would always be a person that I want to be. I wanted to do the only thing I could to make this permanent. I got engaged. In all my years and through all the friendships I’ve developed, I’ve never felt that strongly before. And this is something that still shocks me to say as much as it probably does for most people to hear it. But I love her and I’m sure of that. She was the one that helped me pick up the pen again and carve pieces of myself for her.